No religion, politics, or anything else controversial, just me and my pathetic ramblings..........

Still low - still the occasional suicidal ideation - still wondering why, why, and more why???

I once again had a horrible time getting my butt out of bed. I would wake up look at the clock and think why get up what is the point. I would then dose off, and do it all over again - over and over again. Once I finally got up - I just felt lost. I keep looking at my computer and feeling the need, desire to write, but then shutdown and just want to hide. It's driving me crazy. It's all driving me crazy. The sadness, the suicidal thoughts, the fear, the feeling lost, the feeling like a total loser it's frustrating the BEEP out of me. The more I think about it the crazier it makes me. It actually makes me want to puke.

Tomorrow is another treatment, another opportunity for me to tell them I am feeling super low - to show my daily mood diary that proclaims my misery. Will they care or will they just feel as frustrated as I do??? I really think I have had enough. My son asked me so what's next, what was I going to do. I said there is nothing left to do, if I can't get rTMS to pull me out of the darkness I got nothing... I told him there is still Deep Brain Stimulation, if I could find a clinical trial somewhere. When I explained that DBS requires brain surgery he told me that wasn't an option... J It sucks because we know rTMS works, but it's the finding the right number and frequency of treatments that is proving to be impossible.

I am not sure what to do - people have been trying to help me get out of the house and I just shutdown. The fear of leaving the house overwhelms me. The feelings of worthlessness just close me off. If I can't stand myself, how can anyone possibly want to spend time with me?

I just want to SHUT OFF.  

Enough is enough is enough... Perhaps the treatment tomorrow will give me a lift. I am not holding my breath. If it doesn't I just don't know???

Talk to y'all tomorrow...