Still low - still the occasional suicidal ideation - still
wondering why, why, and more why???
I once again had a horrible time getting my butt out of bed.
I would wake up look at the clock and think why get up what is the point. I
would then dose off, and do it all over again - over and over again. Once I
finally got up - I just felt lost. I keep looking at my computer and feeling
the need, desire to write, but then shutdown and just want to hide. It's
driving me crazy. It's all driving me crazy. The sadness, the suicidal thoughts,
the fear, the feeling lost, the feeling like a total loser it's frustrating the
BEEP out of me. The more I think about it the crazier it makes me. It actually
makes me want to puke.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha8g6pRusXGpUXu-C2Fp2M4nPYVK-tRApTN72o6DUBTeaHy8ArGvILYTZdxQMAOzmJnxYdDqNsAsAwDMzn_w0joQRz5TwtMsjoBhMSK0Qhuz5VpU_EpKGuan1S321svLMTLxW9JtrEwLA/s200/mar+29+post+deep+brain+stimulation.jpg)
Tomorrow is another treatment, another opportunity for me to
tell them I am feeling super low - to show my daily mood diary that proclaims
my misery. Will they care or will they just feel as frustrated as I do??? I
really think I have had enough. My son asked me so what's next, what was I
going to do. I said there is nothing left to do, if I can't get rTMS to pull me
out of the darkness I got nothing... I told him there is still Deep Brain
Stimulation, if I could find a clinical trial somewhere. When I explained that
DBS requires brain surgery he told me that wasn't an option...
J
It sucks because we know rTMS works, but it's the finding the right number and
frequency of treatments that is proving to be impossible.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcLGcD7UaEDI3y8YV6hVhmvhzFfzPrBgTDxlwggrmqHnzHmzYjmeIrw7eL5TwNAAO758ISWwFMqOf4Vq1ZBz_nGqTdqTMM65HDmu9Ox43XpDUcbiqQe1zr3wTGI9XeWo9G9jjvKs2n778/s200/mar+29+post+nothing-emoticon.jpg)
I am not sure what to do - people have been trying to help
me get out of the house and I just shutdown. The fear of leaving the house overwhelms
me. The feelings of worthlessness just close me off. If I can't stand myself,
how can anyone possibly want to spend time with me?
I just want to SHUT OFF.
Enough is enough is enough... Perhaps the treatment tomorrow
will give me a lift. I am not holding my breath. If it doesn't I just don't
know???
Talk to y'all tomorrow...
There is also ECT. It much much safer then it was in the past, something to try before you go for the brain surgery. Did you contact Bruce's office about the therapist? Even it was for a short time maybe you could still follow that person to one of the other places they work. Just a thought.
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