Another treatment, another interesting day...

I started the day off with a treatment - early for me, probably late in the day for some - at 10am. I was toast after... Not sure if they just hit the right place, or because my last treatment was only three days ago - either/or doesn't matter I was, and remain bagged.

I came home, and was just a zombie, speaking of which my son came home and decided it best I not just veg, but instead I should lose myself in a video game for a bit - so I played Dead Rising 2 (a zombie killing game)... J

Then I tried to have a nap, but it seems no matter how tired I am I just can't shut off my brain. My thoughts just keep going and going, from one topic to the next, and so on. I try meditating, but that just causes more and faster thoughts. I try concentrating on my breathing, but that only brings up new thoughts... It just doesn't stop. The professionals are, "it's all about the 'sleep hygiene'" - I'm all, "just help me shut off my mind". So far after years of trying everything, NOTHING WORKS - except that 4 hours of bliss from overmedicating with sleeping pills (well sometimes a whole 4) - I'm not angry, just frustrated as hell...

Hopefully in the morning, when the grogginess wears off, I will have a lift. Although having just written that, I realised that I haven't had any suicidal thoughts since my treatment. Every time it does that, it blows my mind - (In a good way). J

My pdoc is having me increase my Saphris (asenapine) to 20mg tonight, so that might help with sleep and the extension of the positive effects of the rTMS treatments. I am tired of pills, so very tired of them - ugh... But these ones especially, as they melt under your tongue and as mentioned in past posts they taste like shit - if shit tasted like some terrible chemical that numbs your tongue. J

Meanwhile, I was supposed to start my pill popping earlier  (they recommended 9pm, but damn that is so early) - and all the pills do is make me tired, they don't make me sleepy (if that makes any sense) - they just make me feel yucky, kind of like when you're just getting sick and you're wiped out but can't sleep - and that stays until my actual sleeping pills kick in, which can be anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours depending on the night. Damn I'm talking about sleep again - enough talk, now it's time to try.

Talk to y'all tomorrow...